I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
i now understand why vodka
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
