The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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