After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
a search helicopter?!
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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