it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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