I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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