The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
MIDGETS
????
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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