Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
