Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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