Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
