He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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