chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
even my farts smell like vagina
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
