So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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