My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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