When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Randomize
