Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
