Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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