She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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