rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
