i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Is it penis luge time yet?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
