when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You can't just leave with hair like that
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
