doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
