The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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