fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
