My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
