awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
