I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
