1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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