Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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