As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You ruined the universe
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
