Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
