can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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