Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
