i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
