I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
