and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
