its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
