So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
