dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
