Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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