My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
