i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
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