so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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