I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
How naked do you want me to be?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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