yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
