It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
