My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.