We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back