oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
so much tequila, so little girl.