Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
