That's intense
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
