life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
is wine microwaveable?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Randomize
