just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
