I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
