you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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