The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
