He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize