As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
i need some magic done to my vagina
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