I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Randomize
