I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
